I originally wrote this on September 19, 2009. I remember writing it, but at the same time it almost seems "foreign" to me, if that makes any sense. I have made so much progress in this area in the last 3 years that it's interesting looking back at the struggle I had then, and thanking God that I don't have that struggle any more. I've had the opportunity to speak about this a couple times over the past year and people have told me it was the exact word they need to hear. God is so good!!!
Where do I begin? Here we are again. At another crossroad. Do I choose fear, or do I choose faith? I must choose faith. I have to put aside emotions and feelings. Faith doesn't generate in that area. I have to go deep. What do I trust? What do I believe? Where have I already been, and what were the results? I have to say I've been down quite an interesting road over the years. In the last year alone I've gone where I never expected I'd have to go. But I have to choose. Doesn't mean it's easy. Doesn't mean I can feel it. But I have to choose. What have I learned? God is faithful. He won't let me down. His ways are higher than my ways. I don't always understand. In fact I don't know if I ever truly, completely understand. But I know there is a direction I'm headed. I choose to take the path He's set out before me instead of making the GPS have to recalculate my path because I've wandered my own direction instead of following His lead. I believe I will make it to my final destination...but I'd rather get there on God's terms instead of my own. I have felt at times as if my heart was breaking in two. I've wondered if a person can feel that much pain and not break physically. Then I think my pain isn't as awful as what others have endured in different circumstances. But pain is pain. I have noticed that each time it gets a little easier to let go. A little easier to lay it in God's lap. I have had a struggle many times, back and forth. Asking god to handle it, but then picking it back up again. Okay, God. It's your turn. No wait, I still have to figure it out. Let me have it back. What's a father supposed to do? A loving father is patient, but knows best for His children. He knows that when I truly decide to let go of it, He can take care of it. He can put all the pieces in divine alignment without my hands being in the way. Each times gets a little easier. Each time a little more trust is built. I see. I catch a glimpse of my father's thoughts. I never would have seen it that way, but hey, I don't have a very good view. As I'm quicker to lay my burdens down, peace comes a little sooner. Goes a little deeper. Through this process I begin to grasp the concept of my anchor. The quicker I release it, the quicker my storm doesn't seem as frightening. The stronger I grow with each battle, the deeper I throw my anchor. When I get hooked in tight, it doesn't matter what comes my way. I have the Master on board who just speaks to the storm. Even when I'm being tossed around I can rest assured that He's not gonna let me down. And yet, at this moment, I have no answer. Don't understand a thing. Want to know why, God? But I am reminded of promises I always stand on. I'm reminded of past victories, I'm reminded I'm a child who doesn't know anything when it comes to putting the puzzle pieces together. But my God loves me. My God never fails. My God is faithful. So I choose. I choose to dismiss fear. I choose to grab a hold of faith. I choose to curl up in my Daddy's lap and not be afraid of the storm.
