"Not Responding"

A large majority of my life revolves around computers. As I was sitting in front of my laptop a few days ago, just trying to perform the simplest of tasks, in a quick fashion, I saw the words I see far too often, "not responding." Seriously? This isn't even hard. I'm just trying to save a document. If the program is already open, what's so difficult about saving it? So, I sit there and watch the little blue circle spin around and around, and think. Think about the seconds just ticking away and all the time I'm wasting that I could be using for something much more productive. I then realized that this is what my life feels like right now. I'm tired of seeing the little blue circle. Here's another one...this page is unresponsive...and you have the option to "kill page" or "wait." Of course, at that moment in time, all is want to do is kill the page! Screw it! I've got better things to do! I'm sure someone can relate. 

These thoughts have been rolling around in my head for a few days. Today, while visiting with a friend, God reminded me of a story in my life that represents this very thing. Hits me way too close to home right now. During my 3rd pregnancy I had a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions. I got really tired of them. They weren't accomplishing anything except to remind me that the real thing wasn't happening yet and I was tired of waiting. After being sent home from the hospital on my due date because I wasn't in labor yet, I decided that I was just going to sleep the rest of my pregnancy. I was going to completely ignore anything going on because I was tired of being teased. Tired of waiting. Tired of trying to figure it out. Real labor will wake me up. It wasn't my first time. I wasn't in the nesting mood anymore. Just let me sleep. Thinking back on it now, I wonder if my attitude had anything to do with how the rest of the story played out. Four days later I was back in the hospital. Signs of labor. But it still wasn't progressing very quickly. Then I made a mistake. I let them talk me into inducing labor. It's your 3rd baby...your body will know what to do...let's get it moving along. So, that's what we did. Drugs in the IV, and here came the most painful 40 minutes of my life. Yep...that's all it took. Casey was born 40 minutes later. 2 hours later I was passed out on the bathroom floor because I lost too much blood too fast. I was blessed to not have to have a transfusion, but I was anemic for several months. 

I feel like for several months now I've been staring at that little blue circle. Waiting. I know change is coming. I know seasons are shifting. I'm the positive, optimistic, find the good in everything person. But, seriously? I'm tired of being teased. Can't I just sleep til the real thing happens? As I type these words, it's all coming together in my mind. Do I really want to risk that? Do I really want complications? I know all the scriptures to quote. All the promises to stand on. In the end I have to be content in knowing that joy comes in the morning and I need to just enjoy the honor of being a part of this birthing process. I'm carrying something special. I need to remember the love that planted this seed inside of me. I wanted God to use me to make a difference in this world. And I believe He will. 

Up From the Ashes

"Up from the ashes, your love has brought us..." Lyrics to a song that we sang during our prayer service last night. I've sang them before. Nice lyrics. I know God. All true. But, it wasn't just any day that I was singing them this time. It was the day that Glen and I had been married 25 years. I was in that sentimental state. We had been discussing for a few days all the different places we've lived and things we've gone through. Last night I clearly saw how amazing God really is. According to all the circumstances and the way the world views things, we should have never made it. Our ash pile included a family with a wife who almost died twice in one year and was full of fear, a husband who was a meth addict and who's sense of reality was totally screwed, and 3 boys for whom we couldn't even provide a home for during a season of time. What could be built out of that? If you didn't know us then, but you know us now, you may have a hard time believing our story. Life couldn't be better. What was built? A legacy. A heritage for our children that we can be proud of. All glory to God. As we chose, one step at a time, to give our lives to Him, he did what we could never do. Our boys didn't see perfection, but they saw change, they saw love, they saw truth, they saw that nothing is impossible. Tears are still flowing as I contemplate God's goodness. I'm so amazed and full of gratitude. Let our life be a seed of hope for you...take a step...make a choice...give God access to your ashes... you'll never believe what He can do with them.

Is Wider More Secure?

Something very simple spoke volumes to me this morning. As I walked across this ditch, the options were very deceiving. Wider looked safer, more secure. When, in fact, it was just the opposite. I stepped on one board with one foot, and on the other board with the other foot. I should have known better. They responded completely different from each other, one higher and one lower, and threw my balance off so much that I could have fallen. Of course, the scripture that immediately came to mind was Matthew 7:13-14, "Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few that find it." I've heard this scripture taught on a lot. But today I found a different perspective. Too many times we have a "safety net" just in case God doesn't come through the way we expect, or whatever we use as a crutch to help us deal with things our own way, etc... Many different possibilities. But what looks like it will help us, only throws us off into the ditch. Another scripture comes to mind. Revelation 3:16, "So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth." Think of one board as hot and one as cold. The combination makes lukewarm. Throws your balance off. If you just pick one or the other, your journey across is much safer. Things to ponder today. I think I'm only choosing one board as I cross this ditch from now on. My steps will be secure.