A large majority of my life revolves around computers. As I was sitting in front of my laptop a few days ago, just trying to perform the simplest of tasks, in a quick fashion, I saw the words I see far too often, "not responding." Seriously? This isn't even hard. I'm just trying to save a document. If the program is already open, what's so difficult about saving it? So, I sit there and watch the little blue circle spin around and around, and think. Think about the seconds just ticking away and all the time I'm wasting that I could be using for something much more productive. I then realized that this is what my life feels like right now. I'm tired of seeing the little blue circle. Here's another one...this page is unresponsive...and you have the option to "kill page" or "wait." Of course, at that moment in time, all is want to do is kill the page! Screw it! I've got better things to do! I'm sure someone can relate.
These thoughts have been rolling around in my head for a few days. Today, while visiting with a friend, God reminded me of a story in my life that represents this very thing. Hits me way too close to home right now. During my 3rd pregnancy I had a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions. I got really tired of them. They weren't accomplishing anything except to remind me that the real thing wasn't happening yet and I was tired of waiting. After being sent home from the hospital on my due date because I wasn't in labor yet, I decided that I was just going to sleep the rest of my pregnancy. I was going to completely ignore anything going on because I was tired of being teased. Tired of waiting. Tired of trying to figure it out. Real labor will wake me up. It wasn't my first time. I wasn't in the nesting mood anymore. Just let me sleep. Thinking back on it now, I wonder if my attitude had anything to do with how the rest of the story played out. Four days later I was back in the hospital. Signs of labor. But it still wasn't progressing very quickly. Then I made a mistake. I let them talk me into inducing labor. It's your 3rd baby...your body will know what to do...let's get it moving along. So, that's what we did. Drugs in the IV, and here came the most painful 40 minutes of my life. Yep...that's all it took. Casey was born 40 minutes later. 2 hours later I was passed out on the bathroom floor because I lost too much blood too fast. I was blessed to not have to have a transfusion, but I was anemic for several months.
I feel like for several months now I've been staring at that little blue circle. Waiting. I know change is coming. I know seasons are shifting. I'm the positive, optimistic, find the good in everything person. But, seriously? I'm tired of being teased. Can't I just sleep til the real thing happens? As I type these words, it's all coming together in my mind. Do I really want to risk that? Do I really want complications? I know all the scriptures to quote. All the promises to stand on. In the end I have to be content in knowing that joy comes in the morning and I need to just enjoy the honor of being a part of this birthing process. I'm carrying something special. I need to remember the love that planted this seed inside of me. I wanted God to use me to make a difference in this world. And I believe He will.
